Sunday, December 31, 2006

i doubt anyone is gonna read it anyway but i will just write it anyway. i finally found out the truth today. my parents treat me worse den a dog. my dad claimed today that he is having some financial difficulties and cause my grandma lives next to my sis new sch, he said we are all gonna squeeze in with her along wif and my aunt and uncle and the worse part that its a fucking 3 room flat. i wanted to faint when i heard that. dad claims that he is tired of fetching me and sis up and down throughout all this years. i guess that sentence really hurt my dignity.

all this years, i never ever requested that he would fetch me to school and to cca. i mean its ok when i was in primary school. ever since i came to secondary school, i knew the exact way to and fro sch and to my cca venue. but it was him who insisted on fetching me! since primary school, people always think im some pampered kid who has his father to fetch him all the time.i have been living in denial since. those tuitions he gave me, i never requested for it. i hardly go on a shopping spree or eat in restaurants whenever im out. i never received christmas presents or birthday presents from them and never for once i could remember that i ever requested from them presents. for the internet, it was a promised gift from them cause i did well in my sec1 exams. i had never asked for much from them. all i want is somewhere i can call home, a place where i can have my own space and privacy. even though i never had my own room for my whole life, i never complained. i always look at other kids in envy during festive seasons for the gifts they receive and yet i never ever requested one from them. other kids always get new clothes but yet i never asked for one. i remembered once on my birthday, i bought 2 shirts for 33 bucks and my dad scolded me upside down for it. it was the first time i bought new shirts in like 2 years? i really wondered why. besides, im using my own pocket money,not his!

on studies. i always studied hard for every exam i remembered. i wanted to do as well as i could. my mum would always compare my results with other people and criticise me but all i could do was to kept quiet. my dad often say that only my marks matter, not my postion. but in the end, he s always siding my mum., scolding me. i am really hurt. whenever i tried to study, my sis would always be there to irritate me. often i would scold her and she would complain to my parents. and guess what, my parents would really scream at me for not giving in to her. i felt really helpless, they just wunt listen to my explanation. i gave im to her so many times... i remembered earlier in november this year, i came bck from a holiday in taiwan. the plane already landed and everybody were waiting to get out. my aunt commented that i grew alot taller. she immediately said really loudly that i have became more rude and irritating. everybody in the cabin looked at me. i dint felt embarrassed but really really hurt. i dint expect my own sister to humiliate me in front of everyone. my parents did nothing but laughed. my parents would scold me for being rude in whatever that came out from my mouth and whatever i did. however, they never said such a thing to my sis. and when i dint get into ib, he told everyone cant get in cos im stupid. what can i do? i could only keep quiet and watch, crying silently inside. i remembered doing my duty as a brother when i was young. i often protected her from bullies but who was there to protect me when i was bullied? when people made fun of me, i could only put up with it. i often cried on my own at night. i felt really really lonely. no one was there to console me.

i guessed my parents never fully trust me. wadever i do, they would always suspect that im lying and would question me for a really long time. sometimes when my sis made a mistake and pushes the blame to me, i would deny it but they never believed. i really wondered why my parents never trust me. not even once.i felt really lonely, hurt. my mum often rats on me, saying all my bad stuff to my relatives......fuck it man.

now, they wanna move in a squeezy house when we are already living so comfortably in my current house. they are gonan throw away all my things that have bean with me since childhood and those stuff means alot to me. they are gonna buy a double decker bed knowing that i hate it. my current study table is of such good quality given free even before i was pri 1! it really means alot to me. they are gonna put me in a aqueezy corner to study when im gonnahave my Os in 2 years? my uncle is a the major distraction there. hes a fucking loser who never bothers to find a job but enjoy all the benefits. he practically sleeps and watches the tv the whole day. my grandma would be shouting all over the place and talking to me. how am i suppose to study? plus, theres only 1 toilet in the house?

my dad claims that he is tired and needs time to go out to earn more money. but, did he ever think why is he in this state? he always bet on 4D. if he ever bothered to count all the money wasted, i guess its enough to buy a house. its his own fucking fault for volunteering to drive me to and fro. its his own fault that he never studied hard enough when he was young and he had to vent his anger on me. now, he has taken away my freedom,privacy,home,things that are precious to me. when he did that, he never asked for my opinion but treated me like a dog who would listen to him. i really want him to know all my feelings and thoughts i had all these years. the most crucial part of my secondary education has come and hes doing that to me. i wonder if he thinks of me as his son. i have no one to talk to at home. i have to contain my feelings and only to let it out late at nite. i dun wan my friends to noe about all these. im really afraid. i really do not know what would happen to me tmr. im only putting on a brave front for now but i know i cant keep it for long. i know i would blow up some day.

God, is this what u have planeed for me? to lose everything i have even though i tried my best? i really wan to noe the answer. im really lonely and afraid now.....at this point, i have already started tearing. someone, please help me.........im afraid im losing myself.

12:02 AM N