Sunday, December 31, 2006
i doubt anyone is gonna read it anyway but i will just write it anyway. i finally found out the truth today. my parents treat me worse den a dog. my dad claimed today that he is having some financial difficulties and cause my grandma lives next to my sis new sch, he said we are all gonna squeeze in with her along wif and my aunt and uncle and the worse part that its a fucking 3 room flat. i wanted to faint when i heard that. dad claims that he is tired of fetching me and sis up and down throughout all this years. i guess that sentence really hurt my dignity.
all this years, i never ever requested that he would fetch me to school and to cca. i mean its ok when i was in primary school. ever since i came to secondary school, i knew the exact way to and fro sch and to my cca venue. but it was him who insisted on fetching me! since primary school, people always think im some pampered kid who has his father to fetch him all the time.i have been living in denial since. those tuitions he gave me, i never requested for it. i hardly go on a shopping spree or eat in restaurants whenever im out. i never received christmas presents or birthday presents from them and never for once i could remember that i ever requested from them presents. for the internet, it was a promised gift from them cause i did well in my sec1 exams. i had never asked for much from them. all i want is somewhere i can call home, a place where i can have my own space and privacy. even though i never had my own room for my whole life, i never complained. i always look at other kids in envy during festive seasons for the gifts they receive and yet i never ever requested one from them. other kids always get new clothes but yet i never asked for one. i remembered once on my birthday, i bought 2 shirts for 33 bucks and my dad scolded me upside down for it. it was the first time i bought new shirts in like 2 years? i really wondered why. besides, im using my own pocket money,not his!
on studies. i always studied hard for every exam i remembered. i wanted to do as well as i could. my mum would always compare my results with other people and criticise me but all i could do was to kept quiet. my dad often say that only my marks matter, not my postion. but in the end, he s always siding my mum., scolding me. i am really hurt. whenever i tried to study, my sis would always be there to irritate me. often i would scold her and she would complain to my parents. and guess what, my parents would really scream at me for not giving in to her. i felt really helpless, they just wunt listen to my explanation. i gave im to her so many times... i remembered earlier in november this year, i came bck from a holiday in taiwan. the plane already landed and everybody were waiting to get out. my aunt commented that i grew alot taller. she immediately said really loudly that i have became more rude and irritating. everybody in the cabin looked at me. i dint felt embarrassed but really really hurt. i dint expect my own sister to humiliate me in front of everyone. my parents did nothing but laughed. my parents would scold me for being rude in whatever that came out from my mouth and whatever i did. however, they never said such a thing to my sis. and when i dint get into ib, he told everyone cant get in cos im stupid. what can i do? i could only keep quiet and watch, crying silently inside. i remembered doing my duty as a brother when i was young. i often protected her from bullies but who was there to protect me when i was bullied? when people made fun of me, i could only put up with it. i often cried on my own at night. i felt really really lonely. no one was there to console me.
i guessed my parents never fully trust me. wadever i do, they would always suspect that im lying and would question me for a really long time. sometimes when my sis made a mistake and pushes the blame to me, i would deny it but they never believed. i really wondered why my parents never trust me. not even once.i felt really lonely, hurt. my mum often rats on me, saying all my bad stuff to my relatives......fuck it man.
now, they wanna move in a squeezy house when we are already living so comfortably in my current house. they are gonan throw away all my things that have bean with me since childhood and those stuff means alot to me. they are gonna buy a double decker bed knowing that i hate it. my current study table is of such good quality given free even before i was pri 1! it really means alot to me. they are gonna put me in a aqueezy corner to study when im gonnahave my Os in 2 years? my uncle is a the major distraction there. hes a fucking loser who never bothers to find a job but enjoy all the benefits. he practically sleeps and watches the tv the whole day. my grandma would be shouting all over the place and talking to me. how am i suppose to study? plus, theres only 1 toilet in the house?
my dad claims that he is tired and needs time to go out to earn more money. but, did he ever think why is he in this state? he always bet on 4D. if he ever bothered to count all the money wasted, i guess its enough to buy a house. its his own fucking fault for volunteering to drive me to and fro. its his own fault that he never studied hard enough when he was young and he had to vent his anger on me. now, he has taken away my freedom,privacy,home,things that are precious to me. when he did that, he never asked for my opinion but treated me like a dog who would listen to him. i really want him to know all my feelings and thoughts i had all these years. the most crucial part of my secondary education has come and hes doing that to me. i wonder if he thinks of me as his son. i have no one to talk to at home. i have to contain my feelings and only to let it out late at nite. i dun wan my friends to noe about all these. im really afraid. i really do not know what would happen to me tmr. im only putting on a brave front for now but i know i cant keep it for long. i know i would blow up some day.
God, is this what u have planeed for me? to lose everything i have even though i tried my best? i really wan to noe the answer. im really lonely and afraid now.....at this point, i have already started tearing. someone, please help me.........im afraid im losing myself.
12:02 AM N
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
So it was christmas yesterday. Went over to milkent house for a little gathering. He gave me the album Welcome To The Black Parade by my chemical romance. Thanks alot sam! i love the songs really much! the bowling for soup album is also pretty cool right?
Got there, played GtA San Andreas and i swear its the best game ever! Did some cheat codes and got a fighter jet! HAHA! Flew around from one country to the other firing missiles. Poor people eh. Got a six star pretty soon and the helicopters and police planes were soon chasing me. Went on some retarded killing and went to the strip club and i swear it ain't suitable for kids and luckily his mum dint see. Soon some others came along and we played on and talked. Yea, met some new people. We did missions and continued murdering people. hehe.
Time passes really quickly and they left soon one by one. Was the last one to leave and yea, that abt it. As i said before, spending time with friends is realli important and i had a really good time! I guess it was one the best christmas i've ever had for a long time despite not having good food or ballrooms to party at which i did in the past hich was really long ago in my opinion.
PEACE OUT5:59 PM N
Monday, December 25, 2006
First and foremost, Merry Christmas! another gone juz like that. hope u all out there had a great like i did! Although i did suffer setbacks, i still managed to overcome it . im thinking, christmas is such a popular festive occasion now. Many often have this mentality that christmas is a time when they could shop and get what they want. They have totally forgotten the real meaning of christmas....
Christmas is when our Lord sent his only son down to earth to save mankind and rebuilt the relationship man once had with Him but was later lost. i have nothing more to say now but i hope u all realise that christmas not only includes shopping but not the real meaning of it.
Personally, i feel the most important thing about christmas is to be able spend quality time with your loved ones. Treasure them while you still can, for one day, they will leave you and be gone forever and also worship God! Like today, i decided to pay visit to my cousins and grandma. I haven't visit my grandma for a long time and it made her really happy. i guess its probably the best christmas gift i have ever had in my life! The cost and quality of the gift dosent matter, what matters most is what comes out straight from your heart. To be able to give and share your love with others. i guess thats what christmas is all about!
After another of education in ACS, i have learnt so much. The christian teachings taught me so much about the meaning of life. I have slowly learnt not to hate anyone anymore. i have slowly learnt to become a better person. I read a book today and found out that more and more teenagers are turning to satanism. Influences from heavy metal music and the artistes have brought about so much bad influence. I admit, i used to be a fan of all this shit. But through the values that were so deeply instilled in me, i slowly turned away from all these stuff and i secretly made a vow, too keep my underwear on till the day my bride walks down the aisle and when the time comes, i can finally say," Dear Lord, i have kept my underwear on"
I do not come from a well to do family and do not really wear or purchase designer goods. i do not expect much. I do not blame my parents for not being able to provide all those luxury. I treasure them more than anyone. They are God's gifts to me. They did so much for me and i am really thankful for that. One day they would be gone and i definitely do not want to wait till that before i start regretting. So is my sister. On thus christmas , i pray that God would bless them with godd health and good mood.
I am really thankful for the friends i have made here in acs independent. They are a bunch of special people who sees through my facades and understands me. When i am in need, they neevr abandon me but stood by my side and help me go on with life and frequently reminding me that God is always there for me. Guys, i would really say a big thank you. U all have a special place in my heart and i will always treasure u all! Friends for life!
On this christmas, i do not expect much, but i pray for love and peace. Love ur enemies like u love ur friends. what do you gain in hating them?
12:46 AM N
Sunday, December 24, 2006
a little prayer for chrristmas:
Dear Lord,
thank you for blessing me throughout the year. thank You for showering so many blesings on this world. i pray that You would continue to bless me. i pray that You would also bless the world, my friends,family, people i know and whom i do not know. May You continue to give strenght to those who call out for You for we all know that You are a great God. May Your rod comfort those in need, give them light to lead them out of the darkness. Thank You for all the peace and successes You gave to the world. I pray that You would protect those soldiers on duty in Iraq. May they glorify You in their mission. i pray that You let those terrorist know what are they doing for they have no regard for life. People who die without a reason. on this day, may You bless everyone in the world. And i would like to thank You for sending your only son down on this day for mankind. in jesus name i pray. Amen.
so its party time!!!!!!!
silent night,holy night11:22 PM N
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
hey people! gues its time to resume blogging! had training after such a long time. dint shoot really well but quite ok considering the fatc that i dint train for almost a month. the rest of the day is spent slacking...more and more people are coming bck form overseas. guess we shud have an outing by this friday? till den...so long!
12:18 AM N
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
nothing much done. except: raffles city->marina Square->thomson for roti prata(FERGURLICIOUS!) home. going to winston's hse tmr. :)
12:48 AM N
Friday, December 08, 2006
NO!!!!!!!!! MY BLOG IS DYING! WHERE ARE ALL U GUYS??????!!!!!!!
9:54 PM N
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
its nearly 12 now and i decided to post something finally. went to joash hse today. had a pretty good time and dom was around. talked, dota, soccer, dinner and home. i finally got out of the hse after so may days of rotting at home. another day juz gone like that... havent been making proper use of the holidays ad i guess its time i do something before the holidays end. really hope to go out someday with my frens to catch a movie or something but most of them are overseas now... i miss u guys so much! i miss the fun we had fooling around! i might sound gay but at least, i treasure the friendsgips i have made throughout the year... ahhh... its 12 now . a brand new day with new things to do. lets hope i can make the most of the day!
11:54 PM N
Monday, December 04, 2006
lol... been rotting at home today. did nothing much. sleep, talk , play and LOTR! omg omg pawn pawn! yea part 2 tmr...
12:13 AM N
